I've been a bit quiet on the blogging front lately, but have been participating in the #MayWeAllHeal and #CreativelyMe prompts on Instagram which have both been like self-counselling, tapping into to other aspects of this grief journey, but I was keen to share a recent activity. On Saturday, we went to a Saying Goodbye service … Continue reading Saying Goodbye
Unexpected Losses
Is anything expected or unexpected when your baby dies? I started all of this with the mantra of I don't know what's right in this situation, so how can anyone else. I still stand by that. How can anyone know how to approach this? It isn't a module in NCT. No one expects to hold a … Continue reading Unexpected Losses
Kid, You’ll Move Mountains
Leo's life will not read: Leo Phoenix, stillborn, full stop. Normally there's a story after the word born. They were born and became something, they did something - even if it wasn't of note, or worthy, or even legal - it was still something. Leo will not be followed by a full stop. Talking about … Continue reading Kid, You’ll Move Mountains
I Miss All Of The Leo’s
The pain is heavy. It is physical. It is sitting on my chest. The weight of forever taking my breath. I don't just miss my baby boy. This isn't just a pregnancy loss. I miss all of the Leo's. I miss the inconsistent sleeper, the newborn crier, the fussy eater. I miss the cheeky smiler, … Continue reading I Miss All Of The Leo’s
Leo, You Were Simply Too Polite
I think my brain is starting to feel settled with the results from Leo's post mortem. Or at least, from there review of his pregnancy. We had another appointment yesterday with a different doctor, and we gained a lot more detail and information - and quite a different explanation of things. The doctor we saw … Continue reading Leo, You Were Simply Too Polite
The Downward Spiral
After spending the past few weeks somewhat detached and distant from the brutal reality that is loosing our son (hence all the ranting on the blog), I've slipped close enough down the slow decline that I feel now my toes are firmly in the shitty waters. I hate it. I hate how grief takes hold … Continue reading The Downward Spiral
Learning Lessons
This morning, I watched an interview of a woman who was one of Jimmy Saville's victims, on Victoria Derbyshire. It was in the lead up to a BBC documentary on tonight. I have put it on to record, it will no doubt be harrowing. The woman in the interview was inspiring and so much of … Continue reading Learning Lessons
Sitting in Neutral
I would summarise this week as meh. Just nothing. I expected a full on outpouring after the post mortem appointment. Flashbacks and derailment. But it hasn't really happened. It's more like I'm indifferent. I'd been waiting for it for what feels like forever. And now I've had it, theres just nothing there. I am sitting on neutral. … Continue reading Sitting in Neutral
An Open Letter to The Bump App
Dear The Bump I could quite easily condense this letter into two short, rather predictable words, but it wouldn't be nearly as worthwhile for space on my blog. You see, I waited until I first heard my much sought for baby's heartbeat before downloading your app. It was one of my first tentative steps to … Continue reading An Open Letter to The Bump App
You are More than Normal
We are in a subdued state of blur. Almost unfeeling. Somewhat settled. Somewhat unnerved. Somewhat lost again. Derailed. Back at the beginning. Also, at some small sense of peace.
The Legacy of Leo 