Sitting in Neutral 

I would summarise this week as meh.

Just nothing.

I expected a full on outpouring after the post mortem appointment. Flashbacks and derailment. But it hasn’t really happened.

It’s more like I’m indifferent.

I’d been waiting for it for what feels like forever. And now I’ve had it, theres just nothing there.

I am sitting on neutral. 

I have less negative feelings towards our consultant. I feel she played some excellent damage limitation. To be fair to her, she was noticeably upset by the situation and as uncomfortable as we were.

People keep asking if I have closure. I don’t need or want closure. There is no line to draw.

I think it boils down to not trusting what the hospital have told us. I don’t accept it as complete. The hospital’s second opinion won’t change this. The specialist will.

It’s not that I think they’ve lied. It’s just they can’t actually explain to us what it all means. Unexplained seems like an acceptable answer to them. It isn’t acceptable. Although I appreciate it may be the only answer. If the specialists tell me unexplained is the only answer, then I’ll accept it. If they don’t know, who will?

Even if they can’t find a reason, I still feel there’s more explanations out there. Hows, whys and whats to a small-placenta-and-healthy-baby-until-he-died combo. I don’t accept the many babies survive despite a small placenta, so it probably didn’t cause Leo to die answer. Many people survive cancer, but cancer can still kill many people. Just because some survive something, doesn’t mean that thing can’t cause death.

I find it hard to accept the hospital policy bullshit. Yes, yes, I get it. Everything needs evidence based justifications. Budgets are strained. Work forces are under resourced. Junior doctors are striking. I get it. I just want to be looked after by the person who says fuck it all, if I can do something, anything, I’ll do it. I would pay for it. I can’t bury another child – and when you have been that 1 in whatever, you fight on the side of the 1 and not the whatever.

Onwards, but not upwards. More waiting. Waiting for the second opinion appointment. Waiting for the report from the perinatal review meeting. Waiting for my medical notes so we can arrange a specialist review. Waiting.