LGBT Baby Loss | A Tower Block of Guilt

Earlier in the series, we heard from one of Codename’s mum, here. Now, its time to hear the voice of Mummy G, Codename’s other Mum. This is her piece – A Tower Block of Guilt.

It must have been a hundred stories high. It’s like the tower of song but there’s little artistry and it is barren of beauty.

I feel guilty for not crying.

I feel guilty for crying.

I feel guilty because it wasn’t me who would feel the pain, experience the trauma.

I feel guilty for being relieved it wasn’t me who would feel the pain, experience the trauma.

I feel guilty for being useless.

I feel guilty for not knowing you well enough to know what you needed at every second you needed it.

I feel guilty for eating a sandwich while you vomited.

I feel guilty for feeling overwhelmed and terrified while you were so brave.

I felt guilty for my anger and intolerance.

I feel guilty for not needing the blanket or looking at the photos.

I feel guilty for going back to work.

I feel guilty that you will have to do all this again.

I feel guilty for experiencing this grief differently to you.

I feel guilty for being this self-centred.

 

---

 

This post is shared as part of the #LGBTBabyLoss Blog Series. To read more, or to submit your own experiences, visit the LGBT Baby Loss Blog Series homepage here.