The Rollercoaster is Real

You literally just never know the kind of day you are going to have, until you have had it.

Yesterday, I was so low. Probably the lowest I’ve been in weeks. Similar to the first few weeks after Leo died. I don’t really know why or where it came from, but it just did. I succombed to grief and just let it happen. It’s probably more exhausting trying to ‘suck it up’ after all. It wasn’t that anything in particular was making me sad, I was just overwhelmed by it all and sad. You can probably tell in yesterday’s post that I was pretty low…

Today, I woke up not really know how the day was going to go at first. That puffy eyed next day feeling always makes it a little harder to shake the day before. Yet, I ended up feeling more determined and motivated to make today ‘a good day’ – I was meant to go the gym yesterday so I couldn’t bail another day, it would only make me feel worse. So I got up, got dressed before I came downstairs (always helps, doesn’t it?), did my yoga, went to the gym, ran some errands and overall had ‘a good day’.

I have learnt that if Leo is actively and purposefully part of the day, in some way, then it will be a good day. I picked a few more bits and bobs for his grave for when we see him on Sunday. It made me almost silly excited. My garden crate also arrived to make a little spot in the garden just for him, to make us feel closer and to have something to look after. I also pushed out some fundraising requests and his Facebook page – getting 15 or so more likes and £170 more donations… Well, it puts a smile on my face and keeps me motivated to stay focused and stay up.

Yesterday I started the day with an email from ‘The Bump’ telling me things about my 4 week old… (I have unsubscribed three times now). Whilst today, I woke up to an email from the Hospital Charity about the costs associated to the Bereavement Facilties at our local hospital where Leo was born, and who we are fundraising for alongside SANDS. The differences in those two emails and how they set me up for the day are huge. It’s what makes these early days so fragile, that something as small as an email can change the whole day.

It’s been a big week so far. Nothing huge has happened by usual standards. I went to the gym. The wife went to work. But trust me, these things are huge right now. I’m proud of us for getting through it & a three day weekend is deserved. It won’t be an easy weekend, I’m sure, but we are managing and that’s all the counts right now.

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