I would describe being a same sex couple experiencing baby loss as being in a small pond, within a small pond. Whilst neither pond is actually that small once you start swimming around in it – you have to search far and wide to find others likes yourself.
Charities and organisations are inclusive in recognising that same sex couples are also affected by baby loss, yet often there is only one or two examples of families that have been affected. Whilst this is brilliant, there are so many variables in each story that mean it can be tricky to find another experience that echos yours. And similarities, whatever they are, help us to feel less alone.
Families from around the world have shared their stories with me, and I couldn’t be more humbled. The #LGBTBabyLoss blog series shares experiences of early miscarriage, recurrent loss, stillbirth, neonatal death, prematurity, preeclampsia, and twin loss. I hope, if you need it, you find something here that makes you feel less alone.
By creating the #LGBTBabyLoss blog series and section on my website, I aim to present a diverse collection of stories about loss and life after loss that enable other LGBT families experiencing baby loss to feel less alone.
STORIES OF LOVE AND LOSS
I CAN CARRY YOU | “If Jess had asked me to do the next cycle after Leo, I would have. But I know that she needed to do that herself.”
THEY MATTER, YOU MATTER | “People like to say ‘you can just try again’ but for us LGBT families it isn’t that simple”
OUR GOLDEN LIGHT | “At 39 weeks and 1 day, our beautiful Luca D’oro was born. And everything turned horribly wrong.”
THINGS I GOOGLED | “I desperately wanted to know that there were people LIKE US who had been through something similar.”
CREATING A DASH | “At 1pm we said our goodbyes in person. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.”
A TOWER BLOCK OF GUILT | “I feel guilty for not crying. I feel guilty for crying.”
A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING | “We have faith. When the time is right we believe we will be blessed with our rainbow baby.”
LIFE AFTER LOSS | “Life after loss is not about living in the past, it’s about honoring, moving forward and keeping those moments alive.”
A MISSION OF MINE | “I spoke with the donor and he told me to try one last time. I HAD to, because he had hope. Hope that I couldn’t see, but I believed him.”
THE MOST IMPORTANT MESSAGE | “We dreamed and we talked and we wondered out loud who you would be.”
AND I HELD HER HAND | “The three of us share a hospital bed until we run out of time”
A MOTHER LOOSING HER SOON | “I was a mother losing her son yet I didn’t look like it because he wasn’t in my body”
To connect with other parents, feel free to join the LGBT Bereaved Parents Community Facebook Group on my page – its a small, quiet community, but it is there for you.
OTHER RESOURCES & STORIES FROM ELSEWHERE
Help for Same Sex Partners from ARC UK – booklet from ARC supporting those considering, during or following a termination of pregnancy. https://arc-uk.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/ARC-Help-for-Same-Sex-Partners-booklet.pdf
Trans Dads to Our Rainbow – two trans dads sharing their pregnancy and parenting after loosing their son
Two Dads and Baby – Leigh, Justin and their baby Owen: https://instagram.com/twodadsonebaby?igshid=NTc4MTIwNjQ2YQ==
When it all goes wrong in delivery – Sara and Hilary’s story – An episode of the If These Ovaries Could Talk podcast – Sara and Hilary easily get pregnant and have a smooth pregnancy. But their story takes a horrific turn when the baby is stillborn. How do they recover when the most unimaginable happens? Do they try again?
‘It’s been 1245 days, 1012 injections and five IVF cycles. People keep saying the wrong thing.’ – An article on MamaMia from MummyPlusMama, who also blog on Instagram, and feature int he Australian documentary, Misunderstanding of Miscarriage
Two Moms Make A Right – their journey through parenthood
Thoughts on a Life Upended – widowed and bereaved seahorse Dad
Suffolk Dad – a parenting blog from Kaiden, including his experiences of miscarrying as a birth father
Confronting the ‘failure’ of miscarriage as a Trans Man – Freddy McConnel’s experiences after experiencing a miscarriage following IVF
You can explore a range of stories from the Miscarriage Association from lesbian and same-sex partners here
‘Losing our Baby’ – a vlog from ‘Rose & Rosie’
Pregnancy Loss – The Neverknown – a dad’s experience of pregnancy loss with a surrogate
Marjanna Barber-Dubois‘s Pregnancy After Loss Bump Day Blog series – from Pregnancy after Loss Support
Aimee & Rebekah’s story shared by Held In Our Hearts: https://mobile.twitter.com/heldinourhearts/status/1495127500946558976
Our son is our rainbow, but our daughter made us mums – story from Maisie, and wife Becca who is transgender, on the TOMMYS website; also featured on the BBC podcast When Are You Having Kids?
Pink Elephants LGBTIQ+ Miscarriage & Preconception Facebook support group
LGBTQ Pregnancy Loss And Miscarriage Often Means Grieving In The Gaps – an article from HuffPost Canada
When miscarriage happens to LGBTQ2 parents – an article from Jessica Zucker, from #IHadAMiscarriage
Finding support as an LGBTQ parent after the death of a child
Resources for LGBTQ+ families experience loss and pregnancy after loss – from Pregnancy After Loss Support
LGBT Mummies Tribe share a range of experiences from the community, and will regularly also include stories of loss, including a IG support group – DM for details
LGBT Pregnancy Loss Information Sheet from the Australian Psychological Society
Pregnancy loss: Lesbian and bisexual womens’ experience of loss – from Pink Families
Resources & Support for LGBTQ Parents – from Baby in Heaven
Men, trans/masculine, and non-binary people’s experiences of pregnancy loss: an international qualitative study. Read here.
LGBT Baby Loss Blog Series has also appeared in the below places
(click on the image to read the articles)