Is there a how to guide somewhere?
A month after Leo died, it was Valentines Day. Needless to say, it went by somewhat unnoticed. Sunday is Mothers Day. In a few weeks, it’ll be my 29th birthday. Then Easter. Then our 7th (dating) anniversary. Then her birthday. Our 5th wedding anniversary. Christmas… Leo’s birthday.
Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day. It’s all over-commercialised bullshit. But it’s still Mother’s Day. It’s daffodils and Spring sunshine. Flowers and pinks and purples. It a day to celebrate mothers. And a day when I will most likely ignore all of social media. We are going to go to see Leo. And I can’t wait. I miss him so much. Is it appropriate to take a spade and get him back? This was meant to be such a wonderful time. Sleepless nights and exhaustion. But wonderful. Full of daffodils and Spring sunshine. It still will be. At his grave. What do you take your dead sons and his grave for Mother’s Day?
What do you want for your birthday?
I don’t blame anyone for asking me. It is my birthday after all. I wouldn’t expect people to let it go by unnoticed. But I just can’t relate to the word want anymore. I don’t understand how I could want anything ever again. I want my baby boy back with me. I want to go back in time. I want to scream and shout at the people in the hospital, to save him, to do something. I want to unhear those words. I want to not have the image of my baby boy, unmoving, silent, on the ultrasound screen in my head. I want to hear his cries. I want to feel him squeeze my finger back. I want him to be warm. I want to feel his skin on my skin. I want to know the colour of his eyes. I want to be able to dream of him. I want to know if he’d walk before he learnt to crawl. I want to know what his first word would be. I want to know him. I want to know my own son. I want to not even know that bereavement midwives exists. I want to be naive and excited. I want to scream. I want to run away. Far far away from this. I want to give my family back their grandson, their nephew, their cousin. I want to take the pain away from everyone around me. I want to take the pain away from my wife. I want her to laugh, without apologising. I want to be carefree without guilt. I want to go outside without fear of breaking down. I want to know what the future brings. I want some certaintity over life. I want to know this pain will subside. I want to know that fighting is going to be worth it. I want to know how tall he would have been. I want to know what he would have become.
How do you celebrate your birthday knowing there is a massive hole in your life, forever? Every celebration is just going to be missing Leo. I can’t switch that off. Ever. I know in time, I’m sure, with practice it won’t be as hard. But right now, the thought of celebrating anything about us just feels like I’m forgetting him, moving on. I don’t know how to combine the two.
Oh, I just wish I could change this.