I keep having moments of really intense motivation. I guess this is good – I think I’ve said before how motivation is surely the best anti-depressant. It always sticks in my head that lack of motivation is a symptom to depression, so I am now a fond believer that if you feel it, you should run with it. It breeds a sense of success, empowerment, worth, excitement. Life.
I don’t know if its actually because I haven’t worked since before Christmas, its a year since I graduated again and I’m normally such a do-er. I like a good plan, deadline, to do list. I love having a challenge, having something new to learn, research. I don’t sit still for long. I just don’t know where to direct that energy to? I have the motivation, but also lack any direction of what is best right now. I am facing the biggest challenge that I will ever face – grieving my only child. I know that this needs to be my focus, to learn how best to heal, to look after myself physically and mentally, to go easy on myself. But the buzzing motivation still sits there.
I only have motivation to do anything related to Leo. The boring day to day crap serves me no interest. I know that I want to ‘do good in Leo’s name’ and I see so many inspiring and wonderful parents doing just that for their children, all at different stages in their journey. I feel sometimes that if I just let time go on, its like I am wasting Leo’s time. Though, I know that sounds silly, where is Leo going? There is no clock ticking on Leo. Its already stopped. He is timeless now.
I was volunteering in my spare time before Leo, and I have stopped temporarily. And I could restart this to give my brain something to do – but the thought of editing parents recording stories for their children, before they disappear on Operations, is pretty heart breaking. My child left me. Not the other way round. It should be the other way round. I should be editing a story that N has recorded for Leo.
My thoughts range from setting up a charity, writing a book, working for a charity, cutting all my hair off, writing to every single MP and shadow MP in the country, writing to the Queen, filing a complaint, researching endlessly on stillbirths, starting another IVF cycle, holding a bake sale, starting a petition…
Right now though, I don’t know what is best in the grand scheme of things. I always get a bit confused about the benefit of smaller charities, and sometimes feel that spreading the good too thinly isn’t as productive – equally I don’t have much faith in my ability to actually sustain a difference to anyone. My local hospital is well funded by its own Fund and the local SANDS group, so there is no particular ‘need’ locally – if it was different, I would probably do something.
However, I like the idea of using Leo’s story and our experience to educate. Personal development has always been a thing of mine, I think people should be educated and take responsibility for their own learning. So sharing my story to professionals and other industries and how they can support – I think this is where I feel I could, to some extent, help. I also figure my years of studying should give me some skills in being able to write some pretty compelling, yet evidence based, material to spam MPs on. I would just want to do it with the right message – I don’t need some bullshit back about what they have already pledged to do, because frankly, its crap, not good enough and will struggle to materialise with the current movements in the NHS. I feel everyone should be a joint force and make sure the right, consistent message is getting across to the right people, but then, everyones experiences and needs are so very different.
I think a lot of my frustration with not knowing where to direct my motivation, is waiting for Leo’s post mortem results. I want to fully educate myself before we even start to think about trying again, campaigning, writing etc. And I can’t do that without the post mortem results. I need to know what needs to be researched. I feel fairly confident that I know that the outcome will be, and I have a sneaky feeling that as I result, I’ll take things further with the hospital – hopefully I have the energy still then for a fight.
I need to know what the results are. If there are any. And I need to prepare myself for having to walk back through those doors again. I don’t think they realise the power of making you go back to the same place – I might feed this back. Hospitals are massive, surely its not much to ask a Consultant to go elsewhere for a meeting? Its going to take all the strength in the world to walk back in there. I know they don’t get us to wait where we waited for the clinic and things, it’ll be on Level 6 – I guess a safe place for them. But, thats the place we were meant to go back to the day after he died. Fetal medicine. The place that I presume, is there to try and save babies. Yet, I’m going there to hear how they didn’t save mine. Ironic.
So, what am I going to do in the meantime? I’m reading. I think thats healthier than spending all day on Twitter and the likes. I’m reading other stories of loss. To gather some different perspectives on this journey and see if the random notions I have on putting all of this down into a book, is somewhat viable or even helpful.