Why Five?

Almost four years ago, we bought an Olympic bib set in a discount sale opposite the Olympic stadium. September 2012. About the same time that we started looking into fertility treatment.

A year later, that bib set then haunted me as we went on to “fail” our first, then second, then third cycle of IUI. It then got thrown in the bottom of a cupboard.

I felt like we’d jinxed ourselves on a whim of a purchase.

As we approached our second IVF cycle I convinced myself that that jinx had meaning.

There are five Olympic Rings.

We were approaching our fifth attempt at getting pregnant. I told myself it would work, because of those bibs. Because those bibs had five Olympic Rings on them, it was clearly fate for us to get pregnant on our fifth attempt. I should probably reveal less about my brain for fear of being certified.

Our fifth cycle, gave us Leo.

Of both IVF cycles, we had five embryos as day five blastocysts. Two in the first go, three in the second.

We concieved in May. The fifth month.

Our due date was 3rd February – 3, 2.

Poetry in pregnancy, with the number of five.

So for a little while, Leo had the nickname Five. It seemed my craziness was true.

Then Leo died. On the 14th. Go on, find the five…

After he died, and I realised the date, and we were due to be in labour on the 16th, I really wanted him to be born on the 16th. You see?

But it wasn’t to be. 17th it was. But at 2:33am. (2, 3). His feet, 5cm long.

I know I’m starting to stretch a little.

Then we went to register his stillbirth. The lady opened their underused book (not because stillbirths are rare, just they are usually regsitered at the hospital). Leo was the fifth entry.

Then we planned his funeral, and booked his burial plot. B5.

So, I may be crazy, but that’s why FIVE is his and now our ‘lucky’ number. I’m not sure I can call it lucky, what with him dying and all, and that being the definition of unlucky in pregnancy outcomes.

But we now buy the Number 5 scratch cards, and The Wife bets of Number 5 horse.

So, because of this, this fifth month anniversary seems more poignant to me than the hugely significant sixth month in July.

It’s not lost on me that the fifth month falls nicely into SANDS Awareness Month.

So, on Friday 17th, five whole significant and meaningful months since Leo was born, we see inviting people to light a candle for him and for all the other babies gone too soon, to remember, to celebrate and to mark SANDS Awareness Month.

Please consider taking part and if you are on Facebook, follow along and share on the event page. We asked people to do similar at his funeral and it gave us such comfort.

And should you feel able to, please do also consider donating five pounds to SANDS via www.justgiving.com/oxfordhalfforleo

Thank you all, for listening for the past five months.

Thank you Leo, for changing us and letting us love you.

We love and miss you every day.

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