So, tomorrow my wife goes back to work. It is six weeks since I gave birth to our little boy. Two weeks since we buried him. We were chatting yesterday about whether this time seems to have gone quickly or slowly. In some sense, it has gone quicky. I can’t believe that we are actually here. After the funeral, this was the next hurdle to get to. But when we ‘reminisced’ last night about everything that has happened – it seems so long ago and like we have traveled so far in that time.
I was thinking back to the first initial days. When everything passed in a blur. Telling family and friends the news that we had given birth to our boy, but that he was sleeping. Going home, trying to work out how we now function. Terrified of funeral planning. Waiting for him to complete his post mortem. Having more flowers than vases. Finally making the brave step to meet our Funeral Directors. Feeling calmer that he was safe again, with them. Seeing him in his unbelievably tiny coffin, saying one of many goodbyes. Constantly checking our phones to know who was, or who wasn’t, going to make the funeral. Panicking at the mere thought of the funeral. Managing to get through the day, in a sense ‘enjoying’ it. Then, coming home, practising a new normal. Getting out and about. Seeing friends. Preparing for this, the next ‘new normal’ – routine, work, life.
I have plans on how to keep myself busy whilst she is at work – get to the gym, do some yoga, go swimming, clean the house, sort the garden out for summer, read. I know we will be fine. In the grand scheme of everything, her going to work and me pottering about the house is hardly scary, is it? But, its not the actual activity – its all these ‘next steps’ that put us further away from the time when we were with Leo. Further away from the idyllic life of expectant parents washing baby clothes. It all reminded me of a character in the book ‘Capital’ that we have both read – a banker, waiting patiently for what he was pretty confident was going to be an enormous bonus, having already spent the money by the thousands. To then discover, it was now minute in comparison. A Fiat Panda to the Racing Car Green Jaguar. After that earth shattering news for him, he then also got sacked. Hopefully, the ‘twist of the knife’ isn’t around the corner for us.
So, what next? Whats the next hurdle to work towards and tick off the list? I guess now we are just going to be waiting for the post mortem results. To reduce Leo to a few words on a report that will explain how he died, but not why. There is never going to be an answer to that question. There is no ‘God’s plan’ and ‘It’s all for a greater purpose’ bollocks. Good will come of Leo in his memory, I know it will, he has warmed our hearts greatly. In his name, we have raised over £2,000 already. He has given us hope and love. But no level of ‘good’ that comes from death, will ever outweigh the good that would have come from life.
So tomorrow, marks the seventh week without our little boy. The wife will go back to work. And we shall see how this goes. And I’m going to work on getting myself healthier, fitter and calmer – for Leo. To grieve healthily. This road is going to be long, with many bumps in the way, and I do not know where this journey is going to take us to next. But, my body may have failed us with Leo, but I’ll put up a fight if it thinks its going to allowed to fail again. No doubt it will now and then, but fighting back is the only option.
I’m doing my own made up hashtag of ‘100 Days of Wellbeing’ on my Instagram (feel free to follow me @thelegacyofleo) – I didn’t think I was ready to embark of 100 Days of Happiness, just yet.. I’m not going to set unachievable weight loss goals or anything like that, but I’m going to work on my fitness and overall physical and mental wellbeing, and whatever is the outcome of that, I’m sure I will make some positive gains to help prepare for the next road ahead. If nothing else, it’ll get me out of the house.