Yesterday was Leo’s due date. 3.2.16. A date that has been etched in my mind for the past 40 weeks. Whilst he could have appeared whenever, from IVF our dates were accurate and the the combination of 3 & 2 and 1 & 6 fuelled my “number 5” obsession. So, we saw Leo yesterday at the funeral home, it felt right to include him. It’s one of his days after all.
The past few days I’ve realised just how much I miss being pregnant. And the significance of Leo’s due date coming and going has resonated this for me. It’s like the due date passing has ‘closed’ my period of thinking that I should still be pregnant, and would be, if only he hadn’t died. This, and putting on my non-maternity trousers with ease, which instantly had me in tears.
I miss being pregnant because that was when Leo was with me, alive. I could feel his little feet in my ribs, and his cute little bottom stopping me from breathing. I could sense him growing inside me with each day of slowly loosing the ability to put my socks on. He hadn’t changed position for weeks, ever since being head down, he’d be ready.
I knew exactly where he was, so with every maternity check up, his heartbeat was easy to find. First time. Until three weeks ago today, when what I already knew had been confirmed. That morning, I found his little feet and his bottom, poked them, moved them, stroked them – waiting for a response. That’s all the confirmation I really needed, but you still hold on to some hope. Those little feet, after all, had been kicking me endlessly only the day before.
It is now that I understand why some couples get pregnant rather quickly after loosing a child. From the outside, it seems far too quickly. But now I understand. It’s not for replacement or for forgetting, it’s for longing to feel like you have something to live for, something to look after yourself for, to put that heart aching amount of love you have, somewhere. Or at least that’s what it is for me.
In some ways I’m thankful for it being impossible to fall pregnant so easily. To know at least, we are ready if we do decide to take a trip down that potentially long and winding road again.