Running Out of Steam

I feel like I am running out of steam.

Or perhaps, I have already ran out of steam.

In the early days, after the initial rawness dulled, I was proactive in my grief. I tackled it head on. I read. Exercised. Got a routine going. Researched. Found out what helped, and what didn’t.

But now, ever since our last cycle and miscarriage I guess, I feel as though I can’t manage to push forward on my/our own anymore.

I so desperately want someone to just sweep in and sort all the shit out. Like a life coach. But a free one.

I can’t get myself going, I’m avoiding things, I’m loosing my confidence, my anxiety is creeping up, I can’t motivate myself to exercise or be as healthy as I really need to be. And I really wish I could. My brain wants too. But it’s like there’s a door closed, locked, and I’m on the wrong side of it.

Its exhausting.

It doesn’t get easier with time by the way. It gets different with time. The challenges change. The stressors change. I don’t think that’s the same as easier. In some ways it’s feels harder – passing 6 months was so significant to me. A solid chunk of time. Now moving closer to a year than his birth.

I need some radical new perspective on it all, on myself, on my confidence and outlook to kick start me. How am I meant to get that overnight, on my own?

I’ve download the book called The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Shit in the hope that it’ll lighten some of the anxieties. I feel I need to tackle some issues and I don’t really want to, so maybe just getting rid of them is the easier approach?

Maybe I just need to re-approach everything as though we are at the beginning again.

My heart sure feels like we are some days.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Running Out of Steam

  1. I’m only 3.5 months out from my loss, and I already feel like I am running out of steam. I have done the things that people suggest, exercising, going to support group meetings, talking to a therapist, and it has not gotten ‘easier’, not changed in any significant way. And I am just so tired. I would also like a life coach, or even more than that, someone who will be at my side constantly, knows exactly what I need, and how much to push me, and will help me do everything, I don’t have a radical new perspective but know that you are not alone, and you and Leo are in my thoughts.

    Like

  2. Hi, I remember being stuck in this phase for a while. It’s a horrible place. I could find myself just sitting staring into space but feeling guilty that I wasn’t helping myself. After a while I took the pressure off being anything other that what I was. I allowed myself to hibernate. I chose company carefully avoiding any interactions that weren’t supportive. Slowly I gained energy by doing a bit of what I liked doing; baking, reading etc and then I did a bit more. Grief sucks. After a while everything seems more real and it hurts. Like you two we had a miscarriage to knock us just as we were getting up on our feet too. Sending Leo’s Mummy hugs xx

    Like

    1. Thanks for commenting 🙂 it’s good to know others do this too, and I’m not just failing at grief too. I think having a good run for a whole entire fortnight might have zapped me for quite a while. I think you are right, stepping back might be just what’s needed. We have a busy month coming up and then I think I’m going to declare us done until his birthday. Xx

      Like

  3. Hey
    You are not running out of steam – your at a train station for refuelling. I think you feel exhausted because your berating yourself for feeling like a failure but you aren’t – I promise. I honestly think our bodies are good at keeping our brains in check – your body is telling you to pause – breathe and be with your wife and baby – I have been in hibernation for a year – but I needed it – my brain needed it – you are not failing you are doing everything exactly right – it just sucks. I miss the raw days – but I think that’s ok – I think that’s normal – i found / find it hard accepting that this is just life now it’s ok – that realisation IS a mindfuck – when u are processing that it takes all of your energy – so give it all of your energy until you are ready / able to split your attention – but I think the process will be less soul destroying if you give it the attention it deserves – if you were running a marathon you wouldn’t be beating yourself up for not trying to learn Russion at the same time! Just give yourself a fuel stop and carry on focussing on running through your marathon wall xxxxxxx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s