“One for sorrow, Two for joy, Three for a girl, Four for a boy, Five for silver, Six for gold, Seven for a secret never to be told”
A few weeks ago, we started noticing Magpies. Sometimes one, often two, occasionally three, never four. They kept landing in front of the car, or appearing on our walks. With anything, as soon as we started noticing them – they kept appearing more and more.
We aren’t usually superstitious. Yet, this year, we seem to hunt for meaning in most things. We don’t really have to look far, we both manage to create a route back to Leo quite easily. I’ve said before, I’m not sure we believe it fully… but we believe in the happiness and the small flickers of joy it can create.
The magpies started appearing just as we were starting our latest fertility treatment cycle. Our seventh. Our second since Leo died, and was born. If you asked me four years ago, when I was just cautiously making sure we had enough money for the third cycle I never anticipated us doing – I’m not sure I’d have said we would have got to seven. Yet, we continue to go through the motions.
After our cycle in summer, and our miscarriage, I was in quite a bit of uncertainty about what next and whether to go ahead with a natural or medicated frozen embryo transfer cycle for our last little embryo on ice. The difference being : no drugs, at all, with an embryo transferred at the most optimum point of my natural cycle, or controlling my cycle through medication and transferring the embryo at the required point. This time I opted for an unmedicated frozen embryo transfer cycle. The decision was simple in the end. It was the only option we hadn’t tried, so why not get a tick in all the boxes, eh.
With doing a natural cycle, I knew I’d be playing with a very vulnerable thing : trust in my own body. After Leo dying at term, and a miscarriage… trust was a little non-existent. I reasoned though, gaining some trust back in my body if it performed as requested, might actually be worthwhile.
So trust I did. And in return, my body responded. I am pleased to say that we are currently nine weeks pregnant. And with each day, I am learning to build that trust in my body.
I have toyed with when and how to talk about this here; I fully appreciate the emotions surrounding pregnancy for the vast majority of my fellow baby loss readers. I’d never want to trigger any negative emotions, yet I do know having been there, that often this is inevitable. Pregnancy announcements when you are struggling to fall pregnant, or stay pregnant, or after your baby has died, is never easy.
However, I am currently switched off to everything, including my grief for Leo. And it’s starting to bother me – although I’m trying to be kind to myself and not get frustrated by it. We just have to feel what we feel after all. Whilst we have trickled this information out to those close to us, I need to be able to talk and share aspects of this pregnancy-after-two-losses journey that we are now on. I need to have an outlet, and explore the emotions and issues that it creates – or in my case currently, the lack off. I’m not in denial… I am just nothing. To everything. And with Leo’s birthday approaching, I need to get something back so I can honour it in the way that I want to.
This little bean, our little Magpie, or ‘pie for short, is so loved and welcome, and has given us the ability to breathe a little deeper and attempt to look into the scary unknown of the future. Having to say goodbye is a continual fear, but we are sticking to our mantras of “Today, we are pregnant” and my latest thought process of why can’t this baby live? Everyone else’s babies live, so why not this one?
If we are blessed to have them, I know it’s not going to be an easy thirty-odd weeks. I really really hope this has a happy, crying, wriggly ending.