I feel like I am running out of steam.
Or perhaps, I have already ran out of steam.
In the early days, after the initial rawness dulled, I was proactive in my grief. I tackled it head on. I read. Exercised. Got a routine going. Researched. Found out what helped, and what didn’t.
But now, ever since our last cycle and miscarriage I guess, I feel as though I can’t manage to push forward on my/our own anymore.
I so desperately want someone to just sweep in and sort all the shit out. Like a life coach. But a free one.
I can’t get myself going, I’m avoiding things, I’m loosing my confidence, my anxiety is creeping up, I can’t motivate myself to exercise or be as healthy as I really need to be. And I really wish I could. My brain wants too. But it’s like there’s a door closed, locked, and I’m on the wrong side of it.
It doesn’t get easier with time by the way. It gets different with time. The challenges change. The stressors change. I don’t think that’s the same as easier. In some ways it’s feels harder – passing 6 months was so significant to me. A solid chunk of time. Now moving closer to a year than his birth.
I need some radical new perspective on it all, on myself, on my confidence and outlook to kick start me. How am I meant to get that overnight, on my own?
I’ve download the book called The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Shit in the hope that it’ll lighten some of the anxieties. I feel I need to tackle some issues and I don’t really want to, so maybe just getting rid of them is the easier approach?
Maybe I just need to re-approach everything as though we are at the beginning again.
My heart sure feels like we are some days.